Beating yourself up with words

To start this chapter off, I have a confession to make. There's one word that many of us use time and time again, for which I have developed a passionate dislike...

Throughout a large part of my life I have battled with depression and mental "ill health". But with the help of a wonderful psychotherapist, and extremely supportive friends and family, I am thankfully in a completely different place emotionally these days. It has been a long journey, and I'm sure I have still further to travel, however there are many tips and techniques that I have developed in order to lead a happy and fulfilled life, and turn my "emotional blues" into a puddle on the ground, which I can jump in with my wellies on and laugh at!

One major step on my journey, which helped me to leap un unbelievable distance towards the doorway out of depression, was the raised awareness to the power of my own words and the impact they were having on my own mental wellbeing. I used one word in particular on a frequent basis, completely oblivious to the fact that by using this word I was continuously beating myself up, and limiting my own growth. That word, which I now detest so much, and question everytime I hear it cropping up is "should".

There were so many scenarios in which I would say to myself "you should do this" or "you should do that" or "you should feel like this" or "you should feel like that". By continuously using the word should in these scenarios I was forever punishing myself like a naughty little girl, and asking the question "why don't I do this?", "why don't I feel like that?", "What's wrong me!", "I'm no good!" etc etc .... get the picture?

Now, I often come across people who are suffering from the "should syndrome"... Are you one of them? I challenge you to take the "should challenge". Each time you hear yourself using the word "should" on yourself or towards anyone else, stop, and ask yourself "Where does this should come from?". "Who exactly said that I should do this, or feel this way?". "What do they know about what I should do or feel?"...

Then - and this is the great part - ask yourself "What do I want to do?" or "How do I want to feel?". In many cases you will likely discover - that if you simply replace the word "should" with the word "want" - it casts a whole new light on the subject and fuels you with the determination and motivation you need. After all, we'd all much rather do the things we want to do, than do the things we think we should do!

One example:

You're having difficulty coping with a particular experience which has left you feeling down. You may find yourself saying "I should be stronger!". All that will really do is make you feel completely pooh, by making you feel as though don't live up to expectations - be it your expectations or those of other people.

Turn that expression around slightly though - and say "I want to be stronger" - and hey presto - you may feel motivated to gather some strength from somewhere within yourself, and feel empowered to be the strong person you want to be.

If you have any "should" experiences to contribute - then I'd love to hear from you. But only if you want to of course :-)